Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

  I started out with nothing, I still have most of it

 My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

 I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded

 All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

 If all is not lost, where is it?

 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

 I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...

 Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in th back seat cause kids.

 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

 The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
 you're in the bathroom.

 When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
 decide to play chess?

 It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 And finally...

 If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them
 on my knees.